28 January 2013

Post Punk bands and Updates!

Hey there you guys!
On a contrary to previous posts I can say that I am no longer depressed, thank you for cheering me up, reading your comments made me feel very good, but in the end it was just a passing low mood as it always does. I am alive and full of energy to create and be who I am for the following month. I hope that those things that worry me won't concern me as much and I will give the best I can.

The past week I made some friends, it is very nice to spend time with people whom you don't need to explain which kind of music is Post Punk! It was such a nice feeling to make a conversation flow like water with the themes we all love so much. I can say that I am experiencing myself literary as part of the subculture, which is something I never felt before.
Talk about experiences, Berlin has such a big variety of goth parties you can attend! Aren't in a mood for synthpop? Go check the New Wave party or the Cold Wave/ Minimal Synth shit with lots of people until 7 am!
This is so crazy, it is something I never even dreamed of! To be able to choose from several gothic parties per night? Fucking shit man!

I was also so happy to be introduced to a lot of post punk and cold wave bands thanks to a new friend Marta, the singer of Tanzkommando Untergang. The band will be playing with Spear of Destiny in February!!! I cannot wait to see that I am so happy for them!!!
Regarding to the new music I was introduced to, I would really want to make several posts for you guys, hoping I would show someone here something new, because this is so interesting for me it makes me happy so much!

recently bought this dress from a second hand shop

Here's a random fun fact: I was so surprised to find out that not only I am familiar with Neva, the French cold wave band! I am living in the middle of everything, this feels amazing!
After living in the middle of nowhere only praying for having so many people who can exist among you who are interested in the same things, having the chance to see bands that I love in concerts and going to awesome parties, I don't even have the words to describe how does it feel! It sounds like bragging, but after walking the streets here you understand why the whole world is located here beside you!

You have to hear this it's an amazing russian post punk band! I was really impressed :)

Utro [Morning] with their song Ritual.

+ Nebel Violet +

26 January 2013

Something inside me has died

It was funny to see all the lights of the city as we walked the cold snowy streets, but it wasn't really cold because we were so warm inside.
Listening to this beautiful music, knowing that you in a safe place surrounded by people who think like you and the odd chance that you will be understood finally seems close.

It was in the underground, literary, like in a huge grave where there are other people looking like you, some interesting and colorful and some just dressed in black.. but the beautiful lights were everywhere, and the music was coming from inside the ground and into your heart. I felt happy, though I knew what will come of it when it has ended.

Because after such parties and fun, drinks and people that I like so much, I always feel very very alone and distant from the rest of the world. And it doesn't matter where in the globe I will be located, this lonesome feeling will always be there. And it doesn't matter who loves me and cares about me, they will never ever understand how I feel, although they can forever try....

I hate compassion and caring from others, because I cannot explain myself to other people. I am afraid that whenever I begin a conversation it is always about myself and it gets darker and sadder. People always talk about fun things, I'm just not as interested in those subjects. I want to talk about dread, about loneliness and fear, about the things that torture me all my life and no one can understand them but me.

I don't feel like smiling today, I am sorry. I don't want to see anybody, I want everyone to be gone and the walls to turn black and the sun to hide behind a cloud.
I feel like being pretty and ugly at the same time.

25 January 2013


These past few days have been very hard on me.
So much to do and everything feels so new! I sometimes amuse myself how I often say that i have chosen a difficult path and then get surprised it is so difficult...

In February I will have my entrance exams for the art school to study fashion design. My heart kind of aches because I am more passionate to study photography, but unfortunately as it seems, I will have problems considering my visa if I will apply for a private school and not for a governmental facility. And every school for photography is a private school which offers no BA whatsoever, so I'm left for fighting it to get into the fashion studies, which I've wanted for a long time, but I'm afraid I won't be happy there.

Which brings me to further panic [as always], because in February my entrance exams seem pretty intense  Not only will I have to handle a portfolio and a homework assignment, I will also have to spend 3 days in the school literary competing with other people like me doing all sorts of creative assignments, on which will be based the final decision whether I would be accepted or not.
I am really afraid not to be accepted, because then I will have to search for a different place to study only next year, and applying for 2 places at the same time is complicated.
And if I will not be accepted anywhere then my dream of living in Germany will be kind of dead. And I cannot go back to Israel even if it will cost me a lifetime. That was my decision.

 I am in a mood for fighting my way no matter what, but sometimes, and without the support of my family or friends, my self confidence fades away as if it never was there [never was actually] and I begin to think I will not be able to make it although I keep on telling myself that I have the strength.
But from the other hand, as Carlos Ruiz Safon had said, what's the point in succeeding with your goals if you are receiving support from your family?
True in my case.

I think I wrote it in my last post, that I tend to pity myself. Well, I guess denying it would be foolish.
But the thing that I am most afraid of, is if everything will eventually be alright, and I will not even realize it. I will think that my life in sinking no matter how much I have tried and I will raise my hands and give up, letting everything pass me by without noticing any progress.

Since I cane to Berlin I keep asking myself what do I really want here. Because studying is just a cover for living here.

24 January 2013

Tu Blog Me Inspira Award

Yay I got tagged in this spanish award thing by the lovely OddGhoul Out of Bats in the Belfry, Cats in the Attic
Thank you so much!!

I have to write 5 weird fact about myself and tag 15 other people. The problem is that I already was tagged in something similar so i don't know how much I can add here. And also most of the bloggers I know were already tagged. But whatever :D

1. Every time a person passes me on the street, and the moment when we cross each other I feel stressed, just fro a brief second, that our hands or shoulders might touch. It is very awkward.

2. I never wear my hair in a pony tail, it is always loose. I only gather my hair  whenever it is dirty and I didn't have time to wash it [because my head begins to itch and it annoys me].

3. I never curse in Russian [my mother language]. I always curse like a sailor in hebrew and english, but cursing in Russian just feels very weird, because russian curses and extremely hardcore, for me personally. I was also raised not to say those words in my mother language because it is so inappropriate.

4. My lips are always dry. No matter what lip balm or lipstick I use, they are constantly dry, especially when I use lipstick. They peel off all the time.

5. I love seeing the people around me as sort of animals. Each person resembles an animal, including myself. It is a very nice way to view people, because I love animals so much, and it helps to understand people. It's this kind of fetish we share with Boris.

Now I shall tag:

LivingHellDoll of New Black Life
Lali of V E R U Z K A S
MK of MK's Little Cabinet of Curiosities

Here that's it, is that ok? Sorry, don't feel like tagging lol

See you guys soon, I have some posts I want to write here :)

+ Nebel Violet +

20 January 2013

The Goth Challenge ~ Day 3 & 4

Day 3: When did you come out of the Goth closet?

When I left my parents' house, when I was about 19. Before hand I was just me with no actual labeling, but I assume my mother suspected there was something that identified my alternative way of being myself.
I think some time before I moved to live with Boris I caught my mom searching for "what is Goth?" websites. I told her she was searching the wrong source...
It's hard for me to actually define where I came out, because it was never a big secret. My parents just noticed me wearing fishnets, ripped stockings, wearing lots of studs and chains. I never explained to my mother what this was about, thought I've told her that I am listening to Goth music and going to Goth clubs, but I never really had this goth talk with her explaining what is goth, simply because she wouldn't understand. However, she always encouraged me to dress the way I like and always complimented me on outfits and makeup, which I like that she is doing and appreciate it.

Day 4: Name a stereotype or cliche you can relate to.

Funny, but there's a lot.
I love bats, they are cute! I love everything with bats!
I love crosses including inverted ones. It's the most perfect symbols ever created, it always fits!
I wear only silver jewelry, I hate gold!
Sadly, but I get depressed a lot and tend to woe and pity myself constantly. It doesn't help me live, btw.

19 January 2013


Hey there you guys! I am officially alive and happily spending my time in Berlin!
It's been 4 days since we've arrived, first 2 days were horrible because the cold was very new to us [and well, cold], we had some errands to do that were very difficult because one thing followed another, so we couldn't proceed doing things we need because of biorocratic stuff.
But nonetheless, after 2 days of couchsurfing we finally found a WG [Wohngemeinschaft, where several people live in an appartment together] and we even met finally some Goth people that we were in contact with on facebook, and also went to a punk concert and saw Tanzkommando Untergang!!
I was so happy yesterday, and I can say I'm happy every day here! The people are beautiful and nice, and polite [I actually forgot what politeness was living in Israel all my life]. The Goth scene here looks amazing, we haven't been to parties or other more related concerts yet but with the help of our new friends of Tanzcommando, who also came to Berlin out of nowhere like us, I am assure you there would be lots of adventures!

Here are some photos of us walking around the city, because we have to know it somehow, but the amazing snow and cold kind of made it hard for us. But we survived, with 3 layers of stockings and 3 layers of socks!

The view from our window in the first morning. We were like, fuck, we haven't seen snow in like 20 years!!

 This how I look basically every day wrapped in layers.

Going to see Tanzcommando!

And I'd also like to share this journal that I bought from a completely normal shop in the underground.
Gothic! Woow!! It was standing there next to Orkus. My god....
I am so happy I'm in Deutschland!!!!

More updates are soon to come, I am going to eat breakfast!
Hope you are all doing well!

+ Nebel Violet +

15 January 2013

Germany Here I Come!

Hi everyone!
My last post from Israel! I can't believe that in a few hours I'll be on a train to the airport leaving for my adventure! I can't wait to begin, I'm happy and terrified!
I hope to write here again soon about how things are going on.

I also have good news:
Yesterday I received a letter from the Weissensee school of art in Berlin. I've sent my application like a month ago and it arrived one day after deadline, but they've replied in the middle of January [as the website says] and they invite me to handle my portfolio and home assignment!!
I was so excited and happy, not to mention I even forgot that I've been waiting for their answer lol...
Looks like I'll be doing my best to pass the exams for fashion design studies! Ahhh I am so happy!!!

I'm off now for more packing, showering and dressing up.
If I'll have a chance to write from the airport [WIFI?] I'll do my best.

Bye bye my lovelies,
Wish me luck!

+ Nebel Violet +

10 January 2013

Perhaps this is the saddest story...

The past couple of days have been horrible.
If at first I was afraid of moving so far away, then now I can positively say I am more eager than ever.
I don't know how to describe it here, but I've always hated the place where I came from, the place most people like to call "family" or "home."
I've never been connected there, I've dreamed of moving out and finally did so when I was 19, to be together with my love, to live life just a bit for myself and not intruded by the presence of others and the complete lack of privacy.

But to tell you the truth, that "home" place did taught me a valuable lesson which I'll cherish for the rest of my life, and it is everything I don't want my personal future home nor family to be like.
And what I've learned from mother, is the most valuable of all: the person I would never want to be.

I am basically counting the hours but the days until our flight. I have never wanted to get so far away from something so close and suffocating before.

I only have one tip for anyone who couldn't understand what I just wrote:
Don't ever live with your parents after you've reached maturity. It is the worst mistake and it only destroys.

8 January 2013

News, Looks and Future Adventures!

It strikes me that in less than a week I'll be flying to Berlin! Next Tuesday to be exact! I just can't believe it's finally happening, I mean, I've waited for this my entire life to come true and make it, and at the same time I'm frightened as hell! I do not know what is awaiting me there, mostly everything the opposite of simple, but by surprise a lot of friends are willing to help, local and germam :)

I would like to share some recent looks, since I haven't done it in a while. I am in love with red nail polish and red lipstick this week, it's the first time I'm applying those!

It finally feels like winter here..

By the way, I've been to the cosmetician today for the first time in my life! It was nice, a bit painful, but looked pretty amusing:

The time I discovered this band was when I went to Berlin with Boris in 2009.

5 January 2013

The Goth Challenge ~ Day 2

Share photos and experiences from your baby bat days.

I hope this wouldn't be too boring, hence my baby bat years were really visually gothy only at very rare times. I mostly wore plain clothes, sometimes colorful, mostly I lacked style and tried to combine things that, well, define you as a young aspiring "almost' alternative.

 I am 14 [almost 15] here. This is like the most "alternative" outfit I managed to ware. I wore converse all the time, as well as my first ankh, and my hair is partially bleached because it had pink in it. I was listening to Visual K and System of a Down.

 For me, this is the first "gothy" picture I ever made. I was performing that day with my block flute at a renaissance festival near Jerusalem. Those were amazing times. My ankh was always with me ^^

 And yet another sort of alternative look. You can see the fading purple in my hair, and I recently turned 15!
My outfits were more inspired by anime back then. And I am freakishly tanned! And my eyes were too small for makeup!

Here is my first customized outfit. Here I am 15 and a half, already met Boris and his influence on me began to strike! I wore this "punk bunny" outfit for our "Jewish Halloween" which takes place in spring. I was very proud of it, wearing ripped stocking for the first time!!! This was also my first stocking shirt! I was listening to Emily Autumn and classic rock I guess.

My first mohawk! I am 16 I thik, Boris also had one. And I wore it with a tasteless hair clip because hair bands never hold my hair up! And this is the time when I began to wear safety pins as earrings :)

Second Jewish Halloween, I believe I'm 17. It was a fine DIY project, also because Boris made me a personal Einstuerzende Neubauten T shirt!!! I wore it all the time, and we've been listening to this band religiously!!!! I believe this was the time we found out about industrial music and Post Punk!
My first Opeth concert!!! I believe I am 16 or 17. One of the more gothy outfits might I say. The belt serves me till this day, it always looks different and can be rearranged.

I'm 18, and I'm proudly wearing my Ozzy Osborne glasses, which I bought for pennies and this type of glasses is my favourite ever since. This is my senior high school days, I was listening to trad goth bands such as Bauhaus [wow I was eating their music!] and Siouxsie and Copus Delicti. 
 This was my senior yearbook picture. I was already experimenting with makeup, and holding my beloved flute. Those pants were like my statement at the time, I bought them from H&M in Austria and I wore them till this day.

I'm still 18. My outfits become more... they become outfits, actually.

 My first makeup experiment. I am 19. I was very proud to have found an actual makeup style that would fit my horrible eye shape. I've gt myself a new ankh, and at the time I was experimenting with photography as well. My fringe is gone because this was also the time when I've forced to the army. Bad bad bad time in my life including Boris'.

Fun Fact: I didn't do my eyebrows until I was like 18! I just had no idea such thing existed until I found out about  shaping eyebrows of other girls in the army.

 I began to wear more accessories, but still my hair and face remained. I am soon to be an Israeli Army dropout,  thank Hell!

I'm almost 20 and it is makeup time! This outfit was so awesome, and I was wearing it at daylight. At the time Boris and I finally moved to live together, and I began to [forever] positively change.

This was taken a year ago! My first time coloring my hair completely from the roots. Eyebrows are soon to be shaved off. I've grown out that horrible thick fringe, and this is my first customized jacket! 

Boy, this shit was long!
I have to say making this was nicely nostalgic and not so much depressing as I thought it would be.
Thanks for reading this sentimental avalanche! 

4 January 2013

The Goth Challenge ~ Day 1

Hello, first post for 2013!
And I've decided to do the Goth Challenge! After reading it in some gothy blogs I've decided to do it at last, looks fun and isn't it kind of a must for every goth blogger? I love the idea anyway.

After some thinking, it would be wise to attach a link to each challenge I did. Here you go:

So here are the challenges:
Day 1 – How did you come across the subculture?
Day 2 – Share photos and experiences from your Baby Bat days.
Day 3 – When did you come out the Goth closet? (If you didn't then simply discuss the topic)
Day 4 – Name a stereotype or cliche you can relate to.
Day 5 – Is there a local Goth band or group in your area?
Day 6 – Hand write your favourite lyric and take a picture.
Day 7 – Ten of your favourite goth bands.
Day 8 – What's your worst and best experience with non-Goths?
Day 9 – What genre of music do you dislike?
Day 10 – What do you hate and love about the subculture?
Day 11 – Is Goth a lifestyle for you?
Day 12 – What's your gothic inspiration?
Day 13 – What was your first band t-shirt?
Day 14 – What was your best and worst DIY disaster.
Day 15 – Your favourite or most expensive item in your wardrobe.
Day 16 – What's the most casual you've ever dressed?
Day 17 – Your favourite Goth brand.
Day 18 – Worst hair experience.
Day 19 – Share beauty advise and take a photo of your make up.
Day 20 – If you could dye your hair any colour what would it be?
Day 21 – What body mod do you have or have you considered?
Day 22 – If you could attend any Goth event what would it be?
Day 23 – Your favourite artist or photographer.
Day 24 – Name the best websites for Goths.
Day 25 – Did you ever consider leaving the subculture?
Day 26 – Show a photo for every year (or month if you're new) that you've being into Goth.
Day 27 – The worst thing you ever did to a newbie.
Day 28 – Do you consider yourself an eldergoth?
Day 29 – What do you think will happen to Goth in the future?
Day 30 – Make a list of blogs you regularly read and link to them.

Here's my day 1:
How did you come across the subculture?

I think this is one of those things that I've always knew existed.  I always knew anime existed and got heavily into it when I was 13. So with the subculture, when I began to listen to Visual Key and Metal, I began to find out those darky and angsty pictures on the internet, of slit wrists, beautiful gothic girls with their pale skin and beautiful clothes [which I immediately wanted!] posing next to abandoned places, picures of Metal bands who wore a lot of black with studded clothes... and then it hit me that I am in love what I see.

So I decided to do a research, what the hell is this thing that I am loving. I found out about a lot of "what is goth" websites in english and russian, and everyone seemed more idiotic than the other.
The first goth website I found was Gothic Nederland, there's a link  right there ---------->
I was reading so much I only understood what goth really was to me only when I was like 18. Until then I didn't wear any makeup because it didn't suit me at all, I wore more pink clothes than black clothes because I adored the color, and frankly I wasn't comfortable with myself at all, not to mention dolling myself up...

And when I was 15 I met Boris, and this is the part where I understood that Goth was about the music as well, not just clothes. With Boris we explored a lot of genres. First were classic rock bands from the 60's and 70's [Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, The Doors] and then we progressed through the years, so to speak, and began to listen to progressive rock and a bit punk, and then we discovered Post Punk!

Our lives changed, haha! And I guess since then we got stuck in the 80's XD
By the way, Boris is a huge fan of Nick Cave, and he kind of got us into goth whereas we weren't at all listening to this genre.
However the first official goth band I knew [thanks to Boris of course] were Lacrimosa, that I will forever respect. They got me into trad goth, they definitely defined goth to me more than any other band I then listened to. And with more music my style developed, and my interest in customizing outfits grew and  makeup on my face suddenly looked reasonable. And here I am today!

I look at this as a journey, really, to discovering who I am and what things I like and my first inspirations of this world :)